1. I was born in Mexico and illegally smuggled across the border in a salsa truck when I was 14 months old.
2. I never flush the toilet when I take a dump in a public bathroom.
3. I enjoy watching people fall down and get hurt - especially the elderly, disabled, and mentally retarded.
4. I am addicted to the ass-slap dance move. Sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it.
5. I discovered radium and polonium.
6. I was arrested on the streets of Beverly Hills in May, 1994, after I appeared half-naked and ranting, "I discovered f@%*ing polonium."
7. I eat gummy bears by tearing them limb from limb and eating their heads last.
8. I extorted $30,000 from my own parents.
9. Once in college I was driving drunk and ran over a hobo. My friends and I threw him in an abandoned boxcar and he was discovered by police 4 months later. They determined he died of natural causes.
10. I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.
11. The first thing i buy when grocery shopping is cheese…always
12. After 8 months of telling everybody within earshot about why they should vote for Barack Obama, I woke up hungover on election day and decided not to vote.
13. I put the laughter in manslaughter.
14. I bought a house in the Hamptons but I never go there.
15. I finished third in 2004 Iowa Democratic primary.
16. My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
17. I wear condoms while masturbating.
18. I was briefly married to actress Robin Givens.
19. Whenever I’m driving and hear an ice cream truck, I follow it around. I really enjoy watching kids eat ice cream.
20. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.
21. I once sent a teacher into early retirement by pretending to be a cheetah and swiping at her from under a desk.
22. Whenever I see a single mother leave her kid alone for a moment, I go up to him and say “nobody loves you” and then run away.
23. I've had a person tell me I looked like Steve Urkel and a person tell me I looked like Randy Jackson in the same restaurant, within an hour.
24. Sometimes I think pee smells like Cheerios.
25. I like ponies.
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